Build that App

(or: an exercise in selling falsehood. Apologies to the non-CS followers of the blog).

My app is going to be the best app you've ever used. There's a team of folks I know - brilliant people, really brilliant people - who build the best apps in the world. THE best. I mean, users pay money to use these apps, and no-one does that. They do, it's true, these people build apps that users pay money for because they're that good. So these people will build an app because I tell them, and do you know what? It's going to be the best. It's going to be so cheap to build, just wait and see. I've got a lot of experience at this, I can build an app cheaper than anyone else out there, it's what I do. Do you know how? This app is going to be so great, Amazon will PAY us to host it. They will! They'll pay us to run our app on AWS. Usually it's the other way around! But they will, trust me - they're smart people, I've met the folks at Amazon, they're smart, that's how they got there, it'll be such a good app they'd be stupid not to. And they're not stupid, those Amazon folks, they'll pay to host our app because it's the best decision.  
Once the app is written, we won't even have any monitoring - I mean, monitoring: that's only to stop your app going down, and there's no way my app is going down, it's a winner. I don't write apps that go down, why would I do that? Google, Facebook, these places write good apps, they do - their apps have served users in our country well, but they go down. They do, they go down. You can read the news articles about it. And if your app goes down, that means you're a loser. I like people who write apps that don't go down. Their apps go down, and they let us down, and that makes them losers. My app's not going to go down, believe me. Do you know what they have to do because their app goes down? They hire people - often not from this country - who come in here, and they're not you, they're not the best. They're bringing php, they're bringing perl, they use bash scripts. And some, I assume, are good people. But they have all these monitoring tools coming out of their Linux, out of the Macs, out of their ... wherever. It's not a good thing for the users, I'm telling you. No monitoring.
For this app, I'm not even going to write test cases it'll be that great - I mean, who writes test cases? You should be able to tell me whether your code works, don't get some test to do it for you. The test is probably written beforehand by someone else, it's unprofessional. We shouldn't even let people write code who can't tell if it's broken themselves, if I could I'd make that a rule. If you need to test code, you're not good enough to write it, it's true. It's true.  This app is going to be so good, they'll even buy it in China. In China! Do you know how hard it is to sell an app in China? Believe me, I've tried it, it's really hard, but I know how to make it work. There are people I've dealt with before in China, really competent people, they can get it users if I tell them.   
By the way, when we release the app - are you listening to this, because it's important - when we release the app, we need to be careful with the usage numbers. Apple, Google, they've done it before, they've released numbers from their store that are off. They might not like me, and they probably won't because I'm such a threat, so we need look closely at the numbers, or the success will be taken away from us. The app will be THAT great, they're not going to want to show the true numbers. But you will, and I will, and I'm with you. We're making app development great again. Build that App! Build that App!

University resumes this week, so hopefully posting more regularly and covering psych/neuro stuff as well.


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